Walter Ego

Not a lot of people know that I had a second career in the 70s and 80s, as the lead singer Walt Ego with the anti-bomb protest rockband 'Bollox'. You will remember such great hits as 'Fuck Franco', 'Nix to Nixon', 'Kiss off Kissinger' and 'Thump a Thatcherite Today'. After Ted Oxo and Rick Brie took each other's wife, our band split up, but the rest of us became even more active in politics. With the temporary demise of the noble Marxist/Maoist experiment, we have had to channel our reforming zeal into social issues, and with considerable success. We were founder members of Peter Hains' powerful Progressive Policies Forum think tank.

We played a large part in banning fox hunting, smoking, and Catholic adoption agencies (unless they're willing not to apply their own discriminatory rules). By promoting an open border policy on immigration, except for the white Old Commonwealth, we have undermined the UK's reactionary cultural and religious institutions. We had some success in the States in persuading a few universities to introduce consent forms for sex (our 'Every man is a rapist' campaign), though there is a long way to go on this. We have helped to ban photography at Nativity Plays (indeed we have more or less banned Nativity Plays). We have ensured that male teachers can't misuse the distress of a crying child by touching him/her.

Currently we are assisting Harriet Harperson to bring in legislation to make paying for sex a criminal offence. Our think tank is debating ways of enforcing this in the case of married couples. Too many guys get away with offering their wives holidays in the sun in return for more sex. But it's hard to monitor. One possible way would be for airport check-in staff to add (after 'Have you packed your case yourself?') another question: 'Have you, Mr X, offered this holiday as a payment for sex?' If he looks furtive, he can be arrested, and would have to prove his innocence. Jewellers etc. could ask a similar question. This isn't perhaps a perfect solution, but prostitution of any kind is a huge evil, insulting to women, which must be stamped out. We ('Bollox') have also done a lot towards stamping out world poverty. Global warming is a tougher issue. We want to bring in legislation requiring all vehicles to operate on pig manure, and travel at no more than 30 kph.

We haven't entirely abandoned music. Now that Oxo and Brie have reconciled -and indeed divorced their wives and come together in a gay marriage-- our band made a highly successful retro tour, playing to packed audiences in Skegness, Preston, Welwyn, Liskeard and Tiverton. Our drummer, Fats Jarvis, took the above picture of me before our first gig. We plan another tour in summer 08. Watch out for us in your area. On our website bollox.com you will also find our petition regarding inequality in the army. We want so-called elite units, like the SAS, to be forced to take 20% of recruits from differently abled and ethnic minority people of both sexes. Please sign up.